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July 7, 2003

Back on the road again, Kimmers style

Over the last 7 years, I've learned a thing or three about life on the rock & roll road, and one aspect that stands out in my mind is the lonnnnnnggg, monotonous highway runs into the midnight sun (Kim drops 50 cents into the Journey lyric reference jar), where hundreds of miles stretch out before you, and you're trapped like rats in your steel cage on wheels.

After we leave the venue, purring, sweaty, and happily out of breath (almost as good as the afterglow of sex, but not quite), we go back to the same house we live in 365 days a year, and go to sleep in the same "beds of white foam" that we've slept in every night for the last 10 years. We fall asleep within minutes, and dream about beautiful rock stars in far away places.

Meanwhile, you guys are only a handful of miles into an all-night bus ride, and you tried to get some shut eye in your bunk, but the road is too bumpy, and the bus engine is especially loud, so you gave up and retreated to the front lounge of the bus. It's gonna be a loooooooong ass night.

I'm sure you've devised a routine over the years to rectify this problem, but I'm a total tour bus virgin, so I wonder how I would fare under those spartan conditions, using my own experiences from the last 7 years of schlepping to and from shows, and Tommy Shaw's very colorful road reports on the official Styx website. He is so descriptive, and his insight so in-depth, that I can easily envision myself right there, happily in the midst of the late night action on the Baby Bus.

My longest run was from central Florida to Chicago to Merrillville, IN, via two airplanes, two airports, two Tri-State buses, and one courtesy shuttle from the Star Plaza Radisson. However, the most eye-opening run happened in August, 1996, when Jordan and I drove from Florida to Kansas City/St. Louis, MO, and back, in a 2 door GEO Metro. I'm doing good to travel to Orlando and back once a year, so I put A LOT of notches in my travelling headboard that summer! Hehehehe!

Using ALL of my tour schlepping experiences as a benchmark, I've figured out which variables make the road feel like home, and which ones make the road feel like a prison. For me, it all comes down to the stability of the relationships between myself and my travelling partner(s).

If they're happy to have me there, and show me unconditional compassion as I roll through my stress-related emotional changes, the road feels like home, and I feel like an exhilerated youngster, eager to embrace the surprises each new town has to offer. In those circumstances, I don't even pay any mind to the physical inconveniences of being so far from home.

But if those same emotional changes are met with anger, resentment, irriation, or intolerance, there is a devastating snowball effect on how well I acclimate to road burn. The same inconveniences now resonate much more deeply, and I get drained on a much shorter timeline. That's when the walls of the hotel/car/whatever close in the fastest.

I've experienced both sides of the coin over these last few years, and quite frankly, I like the happy flavor much better! My God, adult life is already packed with responsibilities and things you "have to do" that you may not necessarily like to do, so my philosophy has always been, find as much humor in everyday life as you can, and lighten up, already! I've encountered way too many uptight assholes over the years who will just as soon shoot themselves in the foot as compromise, or share the bill with a co-headliner (figuratively speaking), and they always engineer their own downfall.

I'm a damn good negotiator, and I will work my ass off to find a happy middle ground in a dispute, but if the other party(ies) involved simply don't get it, that's what Dr. Phil calls a "deal breaker", and at that point, I retreat gracefully, to feather my nest so that I have a soft place to land. (Dr. Phil ROCKS in Kimmerville!)

As I said a minute ago, Tommy Shaw's descriptions of life on the road inspire my imagination to roam free. I also have a treasure trove of K.C.'s online road reports, as well as the backstage streaming video clips from speedwagon.com. The one showing you guys on the bus is my favorite! No doubt about it: this is one experience I would absolutely LOVE to have, and the sooner the better.

So what kinds of acouterments of civilian life would Kimmers schlepp onto a rock & roll tour bus, to keep the proceedings comfy, happy, and as stress free as possible?? Hmmmmmmm.....

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COMPUTER SHIT: Apple PowerBook, loaded with Microsoft Word and Photoshop. Rewriteable CD's/ZIP disks. Digital camera. Travel size printer (could be stored in the luggage bay during drive time; not critical to on-board survival).

THE TRAVELLING KIMMERS PHARMACY: Maximum strength Pepto Bismol. Cherry flavored Rolaids. Excedrin extra strength coated caplets. Tweezers. Toenail clippers. Vaseline Intensive Care Dry Skin formula. Sinutab. KY Liquid. Breathe Right nose strips. Kleenex. Special "girl-only" items. Midol. Visine AC (for when my allergies kick in, and my eyes get shmutzy).

MULTIMEDIA SHIT: Portable CD player w/ headphones. Portable DVD player, for when I want to watch movies in the privacy of my bunk. Zippered carrying case of music CD's, and my stash of recorded REO radio interviews and miscellaneous shows spanning from 1978 to 1998. Motion activated croaking plastic frog, so that Lucky Bamboo will have someone to talk to besides Kevin. A shitload of batteries (size AA for the frog, my tunes, and my movies, and size C for other assorted devices of a personal nature). Camcorder, for shooting roadtrip footage that I will edit when I get home in a timeline editing program like Final Cut Pro or Adobe Premiere.

GALLEY: Ritz Bits with cheese, peanut butter, or s'mores. Milky Way or Snickers miniatures. Creme Savers yogurt. New York style Lenders bagels (plain) schmeared with REGULAR Philly cream cheese. Teddy Grahams (chocolate, honey, or cinammon flavored). Special K & Corn Pops. PB & J on white bread. To drink, REGULAR Vanilla Coke and bottled water. Microwave popcorn (flavored with real pseudo imitation genuine artifical butter substitute).

SPECIAL SAFETY ALERT!!

If you hear me express a craving for REFRIED BEANS shortly before we make a pit stop for groceries.....be afraid, gentlemen! Be very, VERRRRY afraid!

To protect your own physical well being, as well as the precariously delicate life functions of Lucky Bamboo.....DO NOT LET ME LEAVE THE BUS!!

Whatever you have to do to intervene in this attempted purchase, you have my advance permission. If you have to gaffer tape me into my bunk, fine! Be prepared, though, because I will protest, and attempt to barter my way to freedom. I may even agree to stay on the bus, and then offer one of you a little cash incentive under the table to "hook me up" while you're buying your own goodies (hey, when you're "jonesing", there's no such thing as pride).

But no matter how many shifty Irish leprechaun tricks I try to pull...dig your heels in, gentlemen!

This is one argument you CANNOT afford to lose. Trust me. And if you capitualte, you will have to live the rest of your lives with the humbling knowledge that you could have prevented Lucky's premature demise. Ask yourselves, is it a price you're willing to pay just to get on my good side?

----K. :O)

BOOKS

Both of my REO scrapbooks.

The Complete Idiot's Guide To Golf, by LPGA pro Michelle McGann.

Self Matters and Life Strategies by Dr. Phil McGraw. These are the only two I've read so far, but I've got my eye on Relationship Rescue. As a general rule, anything written by Dr. Phil is a keeper.

Billy and The Boingers: Bootleg by Berke Breathed (Bloom County comic strip compilation featuring the ongoing saga of Bloom County's homegrown heavy metal band, B & T B.).

The Erotic Edge: 22 Stories For Couples by Lonnie Barbach, PhD (favorite tome: "A Matter of Attitude" by Clark Demorest").

Other favorite authors: Harold Robbins, Stephen King, John Grisham, Dean Koontz.

Magazines: O (Oprah Winfrey); The Next Level (Dr. Phil's new mag); Mac World; Playgirl (not the whole year's subscription, just my top five favorite issues).

DVD's

Blazing Saddles (in case you accidentally leave your copy at home).

Airplane! (1980, directors Zucker-Abrams-Zucker). Classic spoof about airplane disaster movies. Favorite scenes: jive dudes, the scenes with Lloyd Bridges and Robert Stack; and Johnny, the effeminate assistant to Lloyd Bridges' character. Don't you just love the scene where the airport calls the pilot's wife in the middle of the night, to tell her his flight is in trouble, and when she flips the bedside light on, there's a horse laying next to her? "You can let yourself out the back....there's orange juice in the fridge." Hehehehe!! Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, Horsin' around!!

History of the World, Part One (1981, director Mel Brooks). The crown jewel of my film collection! If you haven't seen it, Hittman, you need to, ASAP! It makes Bazing Saddles look like a Care Bears cartoon. From the opening frame to the closing credits, it's a non-stop roller coaster ride of salacious debauchery, unapologetic, recreational indulgence of controlled substances, politically insensitive stereotypes, graphic profanity, and juvenile slapstick humor. I love it!!

When I'm in "bad girl mode", and I need to shake it loose, this is the movie I make a beeline for. There are way too many cool lines & scenes to list here. However, if I had to pick my all-time favorite segments, I'd have to say The Roman Empire , and The French Revolution.

This is Spinal Tap! (a tour bus staple for rock & roll bands, so you guys probably never hit the road without it, but it never hurts to have a backup copy). Favorite scene: Nigel Tuffnel playing his half-finished piano ballad to the journalist (Rob Reiner). Afterward, when asked what the name of the song is, Nigel says, "Lick My Love Pump."

My REO videos. My stash of concert tapes were never released to the general public; I got them by networking with other fans online. A couple look like they were professionally filmed with you guys' knowledge, and the others are what we fans call "homemade", or "bootleg"; i.e., filmed on the sly by a fan in the audience. We never exchange money for such tapes, just the postage to get it sent and received. Neal has told us in the past that this is an okay practice , just so long as "we look good." Hehehehe.

In addition to the feature length concert, some of my tapes have surprise Retro Speedwagon footage at the end. They're all on VHS tape now, but I would copy them onto blank DVD's for convenience in traveling (same with my interview/concert audio tapes, only I'd copy them onto CD's). At one time, I had copies of the commercially released goodies---Live Infidelity, Wheels Are Turnin 1985 (Kemper Arena), and MTV's documentary, The Making Of Wheels Are Turnin, but I had them memorized, and I hardly ever watched them anymore. So I found them good homes with needy Wagonheads who had never seen them.

The Green Mile (1999, director Frank Darabont). Favorite line/scene: Tom Hanks, confronting E-block shit stirrer Percy in the restraint room: "We know people, too. Are you so foolish you don't realize that?" Yes he was, and no he didn't! Favorite scene #2: when Percy gets his comeuppance at the hands of John Coffey ("like the drink, only not spelled the same").

Young Frankenstein (1974, director Mel Brooks. Favorite scene: Madeline Kahn being vanquished by The Monster in the stable, especially her reaction when she sees him nekkid for the first time: "Oh my God! Woof!"). Then she sings that song during the proceedings: "Oh sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you".

Smokey and the Bandit (1977, director Hal Needham). Favorite scenes & lines: Sherriff Buford T. Justice's foul mouthed, Archie Bunker-style rants.

It's A Wonderful Life (1947, director Frank Capra). This is where I give skanky Kimmers the night off and get all soft and warm and mooshy. The whole movie is awesome. I love watching George Bailey start off on one end of the life spectrum, and go through all these changes that he deems a burden, only to find out (with angel Clarence's help) that there was a reason for every little tiny piece of the puzzle. That notion is soooooo comforting to me. I have so much fun watching post-epiphany George run through the middle of Bedford Falls, calling out to all his friends and neighbors, waving to all the familiar businesses that line the main street.

My all time favorite scene is the Xmas wing ding at the end, when Harry Bailey proposes a toast literally moments after arriving: "To my big brother George: the richest man in town". It just gives a nice, quiet feeling of closure to George's emotional journey.

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Mind you, this list is totally flexible. In fact, if there was no room to bring ANYTHING with, I wouldn't care, because I would be spending quality time with you guys. (Awwwww, isn't that so fucking TENDER? Hehehehehe).

Like K.C. said during a 1995 gig in San Bernadino (one of my professionally shot videos): "We like it better if everybody lets their imagination roam free, you dig?"

Be careful what you wish for, Mr. C. :O)